At the time of this writing, I feel behind. Behind in so many ways but most accurately may be described in that I was nearly robbed yesterday. And the man that nearly robbed me has all the reason to help me give up on my ambitions and wishful thinkings. Yet still I try to maintain a consistency, for the only outcome more dangerous than sadness is jealousy. And anyone who knows me well knows all the better thy I exhibit that way too acutely. It’s a sin, really and I feel eternally embarrassed of such behavior erratic. There needs to be a quicker response than the display I give off because it really is just unusual and irresponsible. In all truth and reality I should be doing my all to beat myself than to beat others. The results of such could really be a big win for me if I know where I’m coming from as far as that goes. This can all just be easily avoided if I get myself out of the gutter and encourage myself that seeing mistakes happen as a result of trying is way more important than over thinking and under delivering. There are no limits truly. I feel as if the way you shoot for a goal is only second in importance compared to whether you went for it or not. That school of thought almost subverts the idea that the journey is more important than the destination. When you deserve to have a life lesson learned well, you have to make a move to have a loved one nearby and have them observe you upon the journey itself. But getting to the destination is not so important in that instance. It’s the opposite when you’re by yourself. That is to be noted to an incredible degree. That is the best way of screening what your output is. I worry that there’s a bit of judgement that goes about in my mind when I see something come to completion to it’s fullest and maybe… I feel underwhelmed. I feel like I’m in the dangerous area of the arena because I know too much and because of that, the shimmer has been faded out to a melodramatic hum. Nothin more but a shadow of what it meant to me and what it could’ve meant to others. Am I irrelevant for thinking that? That my ideas and ideals alike can dent a larger universe of which I am but a small cog, cognitive of thought but lauded to be unheard of? Maybe that’s just dribble no one needs to hear now, in these times of desperation. But how can it not be understood as a necessary must if that’s what we’re always striving for? Are we all really that far off if being far means getting closer to something else? It’s such a bizarre quality of life. Life itself is a study of which results really prove to be fruitful in the wider aspect ratio. There’s no telling what the truth can do to you should you choose to disregard it after long last. Will any of these words reach you so far? Likely not. That’s more of my fault for rewriting inspo baloney sandwich. You know what I mean. I know that I’m nice… On paper that is. Elsewhere I tend to give off bad vibes that are surely not what you need to hear right now. You need results! Not inner demons. I suppose that is the perpetual pursuit of an artist. To really capture some semblance of reason that is unlike anyone’s better ideas. Ultimately, I’m happy that you’re doing fantastic out there. Because that means that you’re also doing your version of drastically terrible elsewhere, far from my sphere of influence. (No matter how small, ‘tis still a sphere indeed.) One can be wary of such factoids if only one pushes for that conclusion. “What am I ever talking about?” Is one of the questions I attack myself with for not going straight to what I want to talk about but I fear will be too immense to take on in later years. Maybe I am protecting myself by hiding myself from the results of what could be essentially a maker or breaker in what little time that can tell. That’s what I feel. It truly brings me back to earlier days where I would offer up an apology for not having updated my posts or blogging or what have you. Content? I’ve been behind on. But maybe this is a change? Or maybe it’s just a lapse in difference until I end up kicking the same bale of hay all over again? Why, I am not sure how I am so prone to this repetition. But I am trapped and that’s ok.